I apologise for my recent lack of posts. Also, the insane state of my spelling these days. It's become a hodge podge of British and Canadian and I just frankly don't know how anything is spelled (spelt?) at this point. So bear with me friends!
I haven't posted as a result of a sort of paralysis that set in for a while of indecision. In June my initial contract here ended and I was offered a renewal. I made the choice to renew it, but also give notice that I would finish out the school year. After that, who knew?
I have made the choice to go back to Canada. The great thing about airplanes is that they go more than one way and I think that what I need is to go back to my roots, and the family I call friends, and the people and country that I love so that I can get my head on straight and my shit sorted out.
My end life goal is to be back home, so I figure why not start now.
The thing about Singapore is that life here is incredibly easy. You don't even realise how clean and efficient things are until you go somewhere else and you find yourself horrified at how hard it is to use public transport, or that there is litter on the street.
Life in Singapore is also never changing. That might sound weird for a vibrant, fast paced Asian nation, but it feels true to me. I feel that in many ways I've been in some sort of a dream and it doesn't feel like it's been my real life I've been living. The sun rises and sets at 7 every day, 365 days a year. The sun is almost always out, or it's raining. The temperature doesn't change and it just keeps going. It's wildly safe, and clean and feels like some sort of bubble.
These things are all great. I had a discussion the other day about how my students have no conception of racism. They say horrible things sometimes because they honestly don't really get what oppression is or how terribly it hurts. I feel like if the worst problem we face with our kids is that they don't understand suffering, then Lee Kuan Yew has done one hell of a job.
That being said, the artist in me (not to sound pretentious and all fancy-pantsed, my artistry is some sort of combination of ruminating on the Internet and busting it out on stage) feels as though she has been trapped in stasis. I feel like the person I am in my heart hasn't really had much of a chance to shine here. I miss theatre, live music, Canadian manners and poutine.
I know that going back will be fraught with its own set of challenges and that at some point I will find myself poor, cold and cranky in the dead of winter, cursing the greyness of it all wondering why on earth I left this tropical paradise on the equator. But I guess the reason is soul.
I'm not saying I won't come back, or find my way to another overseas teaching opportunity at some point. My heart still burns for London, but for now, I think the best course of action is to enjoy the time I have left here and to go back home and get my head on straight.
It's funny, but going home feels like the scarier option. What a state we are in that being in home base seems more terrifying than living on the other side of the planet. But it is. I think going back is going to take some balls (or ova, which we all know I have in spades).
Canada. I miss you. I miss my loves, my friends, my family. I miss my country, my streets, my culture. I miss manners, and customer service and art.
In this year and a half, I've had opportunities I could never have dreamed of. I've had grown up income, I've learned how to dress like a woman, appreciate insane fashion, keep my mouth shut (that's a tough one for me by the way), live truly on my own, cope with lonliness, be a real teacher, accept other cultures, cope with 12 hour flights like a boss. I've been motorcycling through Saigon, sunbathing in Hong Kong, swimming in Indonesia, rangering teens in Malaysia, dancing in London, eating in Singapore, exploring in Beijing. I've pushed myself to the limit and found that I can do this. But just because I can, doesn't mean I have to.
I've done myself proud, and I'm eternally grateful for the experiences I've had. And I can't wait to touch down on home soil again and hug the stuffing out of the people who matter most in my life.
